


i can't live with all these things i would say

by devereauxed



Category: Jane the Virgin (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Happy birthday Abz!!, Pre-Canon, Smut, very much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 04:59:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11268429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devereauxed/pseuds/devereauxed
Summary: The night before Luisa is set to marry Allison all Rose wants is to hide away, but all Luisa wants is her.





	i can't live with all these things i would say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dottiecoopers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dottiecoopers/gifts).



> Happy birthday, Abbie! I got you lots and lots of pain! You're welcome. (Remember that you asked for this.)
> 
> In my opinion this is one of the saddest fics I've written, so... 
> 
> Enjoy!

The rehearsal dinner was awkward to say the least. 

Emilio spent most of it surreptitiously checking his Blackberry, while a sullen Rafael pretended to be happy for his sister, and Allison and Luisa couldn’t take their eyes, or hands, off one another. 

Staring across at the happy couple, every bit of Rose wanted to flip the table and set the hotel on fire, but all she could do was dig her nails into her leg and try to keep a happy, proud look on her face. By this time tomorrow Luisa was going to be married; she felt sick. 

She knew that she had no right to feel that way - she had no claim on Luisa - but it didn’t change anything. Luisa was _hers_ , and that woman was going to get to stand in front of her in a white dress and swear to love her until death do them part. Rose consoled herself by imagining all the ways she could make that happen on Allison’s part sooner rather than later. 

Emilio was giving what he thought was a proud toast that in reality sounded more like a keynote speech at a business conference, but Luisa’s eyes still shone with so much hope that an ache spread through Rose’s chest. Luisa deserved to be loved so much better than any of them loved her, including Rose. Which is why she bit her tongue, kept her mask in place, and raised a glass to Luisa and Allison, doing her best to ignore the way Luisa’s eyes flicked to her furtively.

Through sheer force of will Rose made it through the rest of dinner without causing property damage or bodily harm to anyone. As the conversation dwindled, Luisa and Allison rose as one, making thin excuses about needing their beauty sleep for the big day, and made for the elevator as quickly as possible, barely able to keep their hands off each other. They were both staying in the hotel, allegedly in separate rooms to uphold some manner of tradition, and Emilio and Rafael chuckled good-naturedly at their antics, while Rose drew blood digging her nails into her own arm.

It didn’t take long for the good-natured mood of the table to fade as the two men quickly began to argue. Rose knew the conversation would likely escalate and extend across many glasses of scotch, and she had no desire to sit through round eight hundred of Emilio vs. Rafael. Placing a deceptively gentle hand on Emilio’s knee, she pled exhaustion and stood, giving him a quick kiss to the cheek before dashing to the elevator, desperately hoping Luisa and Allison weren’t still in there. She knew Luisa had a thing for elevators; she’d been there before.

She breathed a sigh of relief when the doors opened to reveal an empty elevator and stepped inside. As she made her way back to their suite she tried to control her breathing, taking measured, careful steps, and doing her best to maintain her composure. She hated feeling like she wasn’t in control, not just of the situation, but of herself, her feelings, her actions. Luisa was the only one that did this to her, and it was exactly why she had called it off, again, pushing her back into Allison’s arms. 

She slammed the door of their suite behind her and threw her purse across the room before collapsing into the nearest chair. What frustrated Rose more than anything was that in theory this should make things easier for her. Taking Luisa out of the picture should mean that she could focus and get her plan up and running without any more disruptions, but it turned out that, once again, _not_ having Luisa in her life was proving far more disruptive. 

Laying her head back against the chair, Rose let herself imagine what it would be like to march up to Luisa’s room and whisk her away to somewhere they could live in peace, away from Emilio, from Rafael, from this hotel, her past, her plans, and most importantly away from Allison. Rose sighed, wondering if Luisa would even go with her if she asked.

It was better this way. Luisa deserved to be happy, and Rose couldn’t give her that. It was that simple. 

She wanted to punish herself for her weakness, wanted to force herself to stand, shake it off, and move on. But she couldn’t. Tomorrow she would have to smile as she watched the one person in the entire world that she felt anything for declare her love for someone else, so maybe she was allowed to wallow, at least for the evening. She lost track of time, sitting in that chair, imagining Luisa walking toward her in a white dress, those bright brown eyes sparkling with happiness, her long hair cascading in waves across her shoulders. She imagined her smiling that cheek-splitting knockout smile that made Rose’s knees weak, the one that promised not only love and passion but understanding and support. She imagined what it would be like to slip a ring onto her finger and make a promise to her that she could actually keep - to swear to stand by her for the rest of their lives and mean it.

She was distracted from her self-indulgent musings by a knock at the door. Frowning, she stood and opened it, but before she could fully process who was on the other side, she found herself with an armful of Luisa, the brunette clinging to her and pressing desperate kisses to her lips.

Rose quickly kicked the door shut and pulled away.  
  
“What are you doing?” she hissed.

Luisa looked up at her with wide, anxious eyes.

“You are getting married tomorrow,” she continued, exasperated. 

Luisa surprised her by rolling her eyes. “Now is when you choose to get picky about fidelity?”

Rose was stunned and Luisa took advantage of her momentary silence by sliding a hand up her arm enticingly. Rose stiffened, forcing herself to step out of Luisa’s grasp. 

“Luisa, your father could have been here,” she said, her voice harsh. “What were you thinking?” 

Luisa sighed, pushing past her into the room. “I knew he wasn’t here, Rose, don’t be ridiculous.” 

“How could you possibly have known that?” Rose snapped back. 

The brunette spun to look at her. “So he’s _not_ down in the bar arguing with Raf?” 

Rose narrowed her eyes. “What were you doing in the bar?” 

Luisa froze. “I-it wasn’t…I didn’t-,” she stuttered. 

“Luisa…” the redhead prodded.

“Fine!” Luisa exclaimed, throwing her hands up in frustration. “I went to have a drink! Are you happy?” 

“Of course not,” Rose said, quietly.

“But I didn’t, okay?! I didn’t have a drink, I came here instead,” she said. 

“What, so I’m just a substitute now?”

“Aren’t you always?” Luisa snapped.

Rose tried not to let the hurt she felt show on her face, but she could tell by the way Luisa deflated that she wasn’t successful. 

“I didn’t mean that,” she said quietly. 

“It’s fine,” Rose said stiffly. 

“It’s not,” Luisa moved toward her. “I didn’t mean it. Please believe me.” 

Rose moved toward the bedroom, calling bitterly over her shoulder, “Go back to your fiancée, Luisa.” 

“Rose, please!”

The plaintive tone in the other woman’s voice stopped her, but she didn’t turn around. “I can’t do this, Luisa. You’re getting married tomorrow. Tell me how this ends well.”

“You don’t remember how this ends? I’ve been where you are, Rose. I remember how It feels,” Luisa said.

Rose closed her eyes against the memories, flashes of the night before her wedding to Emilio filling her mind. Luisa hovering over her, fire in her eyes, Luisa on her knees before her, fiercely pushing her legs apart. She shook her head.   

She felt Luisa move to stand behind her. Luisa continued, “I don’t want to want you. It _hurts_ to want you. But you’re in my head, and I can’t get you out. I looked at her tonight, knowing that I’m committing myself to her for the _rest of my life_ and all I could see was you. How awful is that?” 

Rose was silent. She didn’t trust herself to speak. 

“I need to move on. I need to build a life that doesn’t involve fucking you in a closet hoping my father doesn’t catch us and then crying myself to sleep at night. She makes me as happy as I can be if I can’t have you. And that should be enough,” Luisa stopped, her breath hitching. “But for tonight all I want is you. I need you tonight, Rose.” 

Rose’s willpower was quickly fading as she felt Luisa gently pull her hair to the side before she leaned in to place a soft kiss between her shoulder blades.  

“Please,” Luisa whispered, as she began tracing kisses up her spine to the back of her neck. Rose’s eyes fluttered closed and she moaned low in her throat. That was all the assent Luisa needed and she slid the zipper of Rose’s dress down, pushing it off her shoulders, letting it pool around her ankles. She ran her nails lightly up her sides as she moved to unhook Rose’s bra, dropping it carelessly to the floor. She placed a series of soft, teasing kisses down Rose's back as she knelt behind her, hooking her fingers into her underwear and pushing them down her legs to join her dress. As she stood, Luisa lightly ran her tongue up the middle of the redhead’s back, forcing a whimper from Rose. 

The brunette ran her hands across Rose with relish, seemingly eager just to feel as much of her skin as possible. Gripping her hips Luisa pushed her toward the bed, spinning her around and nudging her backward until she sat on the edge. Rose looked up at Luisa and her breath caught in her throat at the turbulent intensity in her eyes.

Luisa reached down and began to pull her own dress over her head, but Rose grunted in displeasure, pushing the other woman’s hands away and taking the dress into her own hands, pulling it carefully up and over the brunette’s head. She splayed her hands across Luisa’s stomach and leaned in to press a kiss to her sternum, looking up to see Luisa watching her with wide, dark eyes. She kept her eyes locked to the brunette’s as she pulled her bra from her and slid her underwear down her legs softly. Luisa cupped Rose’s face, kissing her deeply as she slid into her lap, straddling her legs. Rose wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close, losing herself in the kiss and the feel of Luisa’s skin against hers. 

Luisa began to roll her hips lightly as they kissed, anxiously pressing herself to Rose, silently begging to be touched. Pulling back, Rose encouraged the other woman to lean back in her arms, which she did without hesitation, clearly trusting Rose not to let her fall. Rose pressed a series of sucking kisses along Luisa’s chest, taking a nipple into her mouth, toying with it lightly.

Giving in to the impatient bucking of the brunette’s hips, Rose shifted to hold her up with one arm as she slid the other hand between them, groaning at the wetness she felt across her fingers. She began to rub circles around Luisa’s clit, then slid two fingers into her, unable to tear her eyes away from the other woman’s face, watching the flush travel up her neck and delighting in the way her eyes were nearly black with pleasure. Luisa held nothing back, letting Rose see everything she felt - the pleasure, the pain - and how they warred within her as Rose touched her. Luisa tangled one hand in Rose’s hair and gripped her arm for balance as she rolled her hips into the other woman’s hand. She let Luisa lead, moving to meet the motion of her hips, the brunette's moans growing louder with every push. It wasn’t long before Luisa began to lose her rhythm, her hips bucking into Rose’s steady thrusts, and Rose knew that she was close.  

Suddenly, something in Luisa’s face shifted, and her eyes filled with tears. 

“Rose, I-“ she started, gasping the words, but Rose cut her off with a kiss, pretending she didn’t feel the tears on Luisa’s cheeks. With one more deep thrust, Luisa was lost, biting down on Rose’s bottom lip as her whole body tightened. 

Luisa went limp against her, her head resting on Rose’s shoulder and her hands grasping at her shoulders tightly. After gently pulling her hand away, Rose wrapped her arms around the trembling woman in her lap, holding her firmly against her.

She knew what Luisa had been about to say, and she couldn’t let it happen, now more than ever. This wasn’t the first time they had come so close, tasting the words on their tongues only to remember themselves and shove them back down.

Rose didn’t push, she just let Luisa recover wrapped up in her arms. Luisa didn’t know how to guard her vulnerabilities, she lived her life openly, wildly, letting the world take whatever shots at her that it could, not willing or able to protect herself. It drove Rose mad, but she knew that if the brunette ever put up walls, ever hardened, then she wouldn’t be Luisa anymore.    

She felt Luisa begin to place light kisses along her shoulder, nipping at the skin at the curve of her neck. 

“Lu, it’s okay, I don’t need-“ she began in a whisper, but Luisa cut her off.

“I need,” she said quietly before kissing her again, slowly and intently.

Luisa slid from her lap and knelt before her, pushing her legs apart. As she ran her hands up and down Rose’s legs Luisa looked up at her with a surprisingly undecipherable expression. Rose reached forward and ran a finger along her jaw, a silent question in the gesture, but the other woman just shook her head slightly and moved forward. The brunette placed a soft kiss to her center, drawing a whimper from Rose who leaned back on her hands. Without another thought Luisa began to taste her in earnest, knowing just how to make Rose crazy.

Quickly, Rose was at the brink and her arms gave out as Luisa insistently pushed her over the edge. Her back arched off of the bed as Luisa paused, resting her head on Rose’s thigh. Rose moved to push herself up, but immediately dropped back to bed groaning as Luisa’s mouth returned, somehow both gentle and relentless. Her tongue and teeth teased Rose to the brink again, but this time strung her along, letting her gasp and pant and beg before pushing her over.

As the redhead shouted her release, Luisa moved up her body and easily slid two fingers within her. Rose’s back arched sharply in surprise, the feeling almost too much in the wake of Luisa’s earlier attentions. 

Luisa paused, hovering over her, seemingly mapping her features with her eyes as though she were trying to commit every bit of her to memory. Rose opened her mouth to speak, but Luisa cut her off by pulling back and thrusting deep within her, setting up a slow, hard rhythm, her eyes never leaving Rose’s face.   

Rose had expected possessive desperation, but this was something else entirely. It wasn’t just passion. As Luisa took her deeply and with absolute determination she tried to put a name to it. Her stomach dropped as it came to her – it was a goodbye. 

She grasped Luisa’s face, pulling her down for a kiss, no longer able to look into her eyes now that she could see the despair behind them. She lost herself in the feeling of Luisa’s weight on her, her fingers inside of her, her lips stealing her breath. Luisa gave up on controlling her emotions and began to slam into her roughly, curling her fingers, solely intent on making Rose come. 

The emotions that each of them were battling mixed with Rose’s previous releases until the redhead was on the verge of the strongest orgasm of her life. 

Luisa nipped at her lips and growled, “Now.”

Rose broke, her mouth open in a silent scream as her body pulled taut, her nails digging into Luisa’s skin, her legs tight around the other woman’s waist, before she fell back to the bed, weak and breathless.   

She felt Luisa collapse beside her and tried to find her voice, desperate to say something, anything. Her mind whirled and her body wouldn’t cooperate. All she could do was gasp for air, her body still twitching. She managed to cast her hand out and grab Luisa’s, tangling their fingers together. Luisa squeezed her hand tightly, and they lay in silence, Rose’s breathing the only sound in the room. 

It didn’t take long for the silence to shift from one of comfortable satiation to heavy sadness.

They lay together, only their hands touching, neither wanting to move or speak because they knew what would happen when they did.  

Finally, heart pounding, Rose forced out, “You should go.” 

There was a pause before Luisa replied, her voice small, “I know.”

Minutes passed before Luisa sat up, refusing to look at Rose, picking up her dress and pulling it over her head.

“This is it, Luisa,” Rose said. 

“I know,” Luisa answered. 

“I'm serious,” she told her, trying to keep her voice steady. “I'm not destroying you anymore than I already have.” 

Luisa turned to her, looking as broken as Rose had ever seen her. “You think you've destroyed me?”

“Haven't I?” Rose said, the harshness in her voice surprising even herself.

Luisa stared at her for a moment before pitching forward and kissing her, her hands tangling desperately in her hair. Trembling, Luisa pulled back and rested her forehead against Rose's, breathing heavily. It was clear that she was fighting with herself, trying to find the strength to leave. Rose knew without question that Luisa didn't have it in her, she was going to have to do it herself. With one last soft kiss, Rose pushed her back gently. 

“Go,” she whispered. Luisa took two steps back and put her fingers to her lips, her eyes shining. 

“ _Go_ , Luisa,” Rose pushed. 

Luisa turned and staggered toward the door and Rose clambered up, moving hastily to the bathroom, unable to watch her leave.

As soon as she rounded the corner, Rose leaned against the wall, her chest tight as she waited to hear the click of the door. It didn't come as quickly as she expected, but it did come eventually and Rose vehemently pushed herself away from the wall, stepping into the shower, forcing herself under a scalding spray, and hiding her tears in the water running down her face.


End file.
